Liz Frings

How to Help Someone With PTSD: A Guide for Partners and Families of Emergency Services Staff

When a person you love works in the police, the ambulance or fire service, or a 999 control room, the job comes home with them in ways that are hard to explain to anyone outside it. Usually that means long shifts, missed birthdays and a sense of humour other people find odd. Sometimes it means changes that are harder to put your finger on. They sleep badly, snap more easily, go quiet after certain shifts, or seem to be somewhere else at the dinner table.

This guide is for the people at home, whether husbands, wives and partners, parents, grown-up children or close friends. It covers what post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can look like in a person whose work keeps exposing them to other people's worst days, what tends to help and what tends not to, and how to look after yourself while you do it.

Signs that something has changed

PTSD can follow a single incident or build up over years of calls. PTSD in emergency services workers explains why it is common in these jobs and why it sometimes surfaces long after the event. At home, the signs often look like this:

  • poor sleep, nightmares, or being up at odd hours long after a night shift has ended
  • irritability, a short fuse, or anger that seems out of proportion
  • being on edge, jumpy at sudden noises, or always checking where the exits are
  • avoiding places, news stories or conversations that bring a job back
  • withdrawing from family life, or seeming flat and far away
  • drinking more, working more, or keeping busy so there is no time to think

None of these on its own means a person has PTSD. A qualified health professional makes that diagnosis, and the same symptoms can come from depression, anxiety, exhaustion or the ordinary strain of shift work. But if several have lasted more than a month and they are getting in the way of work, sleep or your relationship, they are worth taking seriously. Drinking deserves a particular mention, because it is such a common way of blotting things out. Drinking to cope looks at that in more detail.

What tends to help

Listen without pushing

Many in these jobs protect the ones they love by not telling them what they have seen. That is rarely secrecy for its own sake. It usually comes from a strong instinct to keep the worst of the job away from home. Let them talk at their own pace, and let them stop. You don't need the details to be supportive, and asking for them can leave you carrying pictures you never needed.

Don't judge or hurry them

Comments like "you should be over it by now" or "it could have been worse" tend to close conversations down, even when they are meant kindly. Reactions to traumatic incidents don't follow a timetable, and two people at the same job can respond very differently.

Learn the triggers together

Triggers are often specific to the work. A siren, a smell, a particular road, a child of a certain age or the anniversary of a call can all bring a memory back. Ask what sets things off rather than guessing, and ask whether they want to avoid those triggers for now or work towards facing them.

Stay steady during flashbacks

If they seem to be reliving something, stay calm, speak quietly, and gently remind them where they are. Avoid sudden movements, and don't touch them without asking. Encouraging slow breathing, or asking them to describe something they can see in the room, can help bring them back to the present. Mind's guide to supporting someone with PTSD has more practical tips.

Help with nightmares and sleep

Nightmares and broken sleep are among the most common symptoms, and they wear down the whole household. If your partner wakes from a nightmare, keep the light low, speak calmly, and remind them where they are and that they are safe. Some people want to talk about the dream and many don't, so follow their lead. Shift patterns make sleep harder still, so protecting rest days, keeping the bedroom dark and quiet, and avoiding drinking to get to sleep all help over time.

Plan for bad days while things are calm

Talk about what would help in a crisis when things are steady. Agree who to call, what helps and what makes things worse. A rough plan made in advance is far easier than working it out at three in the morning.

Keep ordinary life going

Routines, time outdoors, exercise, meals together and seeing friends all help recovery, and they protect you as well. It is fine to have a good day together without talking about the job at all.

When they push you away

It is painful when the person you love seems to shut you out. They may stop wanting to go out, lose interest in things you used to do together, or become irritable when you try to get close. Withdrawal is a common response to trauma, and it is usually about protecting themselves or protecting you, not about how they feel towards you. Understanding that doesn't make it hurt less, but it can stop you taking every closed door personally.

Some things help. Keep the door open without forcing it. Offer company that doesn't demand conversation, such as a walk, a film or a drive. Tell them, simply, that you are there when they are ready. And keep living your own life in the meantime, because waiting at the door for months will exhaust you.

If the job involves years of calls rather than one incident, the picture can be more complicated. Complex PTSD can bring difficulties with trust, emotions and relationships on top of the usual symptoms, and it often takes longer to treat. EMDR for PTSD explains how treatment works for both.

What tends not to help

  • pressing for details of incidents
  • treating them as fragile, or quietly taking over everything they used to do
  • covering for heavy drinking or explaining away aggression
  • giving ultimatums about therapy before they are ready to hear them

Being supportive does not mean accepting being frightened or hurt. If you feel unsafe at home, put your own safety first and get help, through your GP or by calling 999 in an emergency.

Encouraging them to get help

Many in these roles hold off seeking help because they worry about their career or about who will find out. Those worries are understandable, and they can be answered. Is counselling confidential? sets out what stays private and why the route to help matters.

Some ways to raise it:

  • choose a calm moment, not straight after a bad shift or an argument
  • describe what you have noticed and how it affects you, rather than diagnosing them
  • frame help as a way of staying well enough to do the job, not as a sign they can't cope
  • offer to help find options, then leave the decision with them

Effective treatments exist, and therapy may help even when the symptoms have been there for years. NICE recommends trauma-focused psychological therapies, including EMDR, for PTSD. EMDR for emergency services staff explains how it is adapted for these jobs, and it doesn't always mean describing the worst of it out loud. Each service also has an independent charity that can help:

Looking after yourself

This is the part people skip, so I will say it plainly. Your wellbeing counts as much as theirs. Partners and family members often end up as the main support, the organiser of the household and the person absorbing the bad moods, all at once. The emotional load builds slowly, and it's easy not to notice until your own mental health starts to suffer.

A 2024 UK study interviewed partners of people having treatment at a specialist NHS trauma service. Many described coping alone, taking on caring roles that changed the relationship, and being offered little or no support directly (Powling and colleagues, 2024). The researchers called for services to give partners more information and support of their own.

Things that help:

  • keep up friendships and interests that are yours alone
  • talk to someone outside the situation, whether a friend, your GP or a counsellor
  • notice if you are sleeping badly, feeling low or constantly on edge, and treat that as real
  • look into support groups for families, which can help you feel less alone
  • accept that you cannot fix this for them, and that it is not your job to

Support for your own mental health is easier to find than you might expect. Your GP can talk through how you are feeling and what might help. In England, NHS Talking Therapies accepts self-referrals for anxiety and depression, and you don't need a diagnosis or a crisis to ask. Police Care UK, TASC and the Fire Fighters Charity all support family members in their own right, not only as a route to the person in the job. Looking after your own health is not selfish. It is what keeps you able to stay alongside them for the long haul.

There is also good news worth holding on to. PTSD is treatable, even years after the events that caused it, and many relationships come through it. In the 2024 study above, a few partners said the experience had eventually brought them closer, through more honest conversation and time spent together.

In my experience, the people at home often wait until things reach a crisis before they ask for help for themselves. You don't need to be in crisis, and you don't need your partner's permission or involvement, to have counselling of your own. Person centred counselling gives you a space that is about you, not about managing them. I'm happy to see partners and family members of emergency services staff for counselling of their own. The one exception is the partner or relative of someone I'm already working with, because each person's therapy needs to stay separate.

What the research says about families

In EMDR with First Responders (Luber, ed., 2015), Robbie Adler-Tapia, a former firefighter and emergency medical technician, describes people in these roles as having two families. One is the family at home. The other is the professional family of the crew, the shift or the team. Both shape how someone copes, and stress in one tends to spill into the other.

The same chapter points to research finding signs of secondary trauma in the wives and partners of firefighters. Secondary trauma means being affected by another person's traumatic experiences through being close to them, rather than through being there yourself. UK research with the partners of military veterans points the same way. In a survey of partners of veterans seeking treatment for PTSD, 17% had PTSD symptoms themselves, roughly three times the rate in the general population (Murphy and colleagues, 2019). Veterans and emergency services staff are different groups, but the lesson carries over. Living alongside it takes a toll, and that toll deserves attention in its own right.

Frequently asked questions

Can you get PTSD from living with someone who has it?

Being close to another person's trauma can affect you. Secondary trauma is well recognised, and Mind notes that supporting someone through trauma can cause PTSD symptoms in the supporter as well. If you notice changes in yourself, speak to your GP.

Should I push my partner to get help?

Pressure usually backfires. It tends to work better to say what you have noticed, share how it is affecting you, and make it easy for them to take the next step when they are ready.

What if they won't talk to me about it?

That is common, and it isn't a sign they don't trust you. Many in these roles keep the details to themselves to protect their families. A therapist can feel safer to talk to, partly because it doesn't burden someone they love.

How do I explain it to our children?

Keep it simple, honest and right for their age. Explaining that the job has been very hard lately, that it can make Mum or Dad tired or short-tempered, and that it isn't their fault is often enough. Police Care UK, TASC and the Fire Fighters Charity support families as well as staff.

Is it normal to feel angry or resentful?

Yes. Caring for someone you love can bring guilt, frustration and grief alongside the love. Those feelings are worth talking about, and there is nothing shameful in them.

Talking to someone

I'm a BACP registered counsellor offering person centred counselling and EMDR therapy in Nottingham and online. If any of this sounds familiar, whether for you or for the person you live with, you can get in touch to talk it through.

Sources

More about person centred counselling